The 5 Letter Ugly Word – Shame

I’ve been thinking & analyzing the word shame. Shame is such an ugly word. It thrives in the dark places refusing to come out because then you have to confront those embarrassing memories or feelings that brought on your shame. Left undealt with, it quietly grows and festers until it becomes such a heavy burden on one’s life, it infiltrates everything including your relationships. You don’t realize it until you find yourself angry at everything & everyone, lashing out for no reason or crying feeling depressed and hopeless. Shame is the feeling of a loss of honor, but we don’t have to be ashamed because we are redeemed by God. While learning who I am in Christ (which I thought I already knew but never applied) I realized God is a redeemer and completely cleanses us. He acknowledges what we did or what happened to us as wrong and loves us despite it and renews us. But, we continue living as if we need to make up for our loss or mistakes & try to win God’s acceptance. God already accepts & loves us, it’s who He is. He’s already forgiven and forgotten our mistakes. He doesn’t hold what’s happened to us against us. He loves us through them! Although it hurts, it’s so freeing to confront what caused that shame and give it to God, then trust Him that we are redeemed & don’t need to feel that shame anymore or think we’re not good enough or deserving of things because of our past. We are more than enough and deserve the best! Don’t ever forget it!

How do you deal with shame? Have any tips? I would love to hear about them!

Eli Awakening

Good morning world!
It’s a new day!
What new things will I learn today?
Does God live in Colorado?
Where the bison say ‘moo’?
And why is it only at nighttime that I say hi to the moon?

Oh, what new adventures does today have in store?
What new places and things can I explore?
Mami, I can fit in the pantry and close the door.
Oh yes, I need to roll around on the floor.
Outside in the dirt is the best place to play.
That’s where I imagine best as I play the day away.

Mami, why do you sigh
when I tell everyone hi?
I have to yell very loud
cuz I’m small you see, my hi gets lost in a crowd.
I find all the people interesting
especially when their forehead is wrinkling.

I like to make people smile
see Mami, so many haven’t done it in a while.
I just love to laugh and wiggle
and it’s more fun when I make other people giggle.

Oh Mami the day is almost done
I think I’ve almost finished all my fun
and after my day I want to cuddle
read me a book so we can snuggle
and now it’s time to kiss you goodnight
as I drift off to sleep in happy delight.
For today was a good day
Mami I learned so much.
There were so many people’s hearts that I touched.

I went on so many adventures
discovered so many treasures.
Laughed until I fell to the floor
and made people smile, even the biggest bore!
Mami, I even gave lots of compliments!
Yup today was filled with accomplishments.

Ok Mami I’m going to bed now.
I’m so tired so I yawn then I bow
and I thank the day for the adventures I had.
Oh it gave me so much, I’m so glad.
Well Mami here I go
my twinkling, mischievous eyes close.
I smile as off to dreamland I float
because I know tomorrow is another day full of hope!

The Decision

The air was heavy with the scent of rain. A storm was coming but Camila wasn’t paying attention to the rolling dark grey clouds that threatened to break at any moment. She was standing at the kitchen sink staring down their quiet street anticipating the arrival of a red corvette. The house was spotless and dinner was warm in the oven but none of that mattered. All that mattered was when the precious red corvette would arrive and what came with it.

Camila’s breathe caught when she heard the roar of the engine coming around the corner. She quickly shut the curtains and surveyed the picture perfect house. As she hear the roar arrived just outside the window she quickly placed the dinner plate neatly at the head of the table. Moments later a tall man with blonde hair stumbled in the door. He had an agitated look about him with a side of cocky energy. He immediately looked up and glared at Camila who nervously pushed her brown limp hair behind her ears.

“What are you lookin at?” he snarled.

“N-nothin.” Camila’s eyes dropped. She hoped her husband Larry would not find any fault this time but her heart sank when she saw the disgusted look on his face.

“I’m not eatin that crap. ‘Sides, I’m goin out for dinner.” Larry began to stalk to the bedroom.

“Oh with who?” Camila regretted the question the moment it escaped her lips. Larry paused and slowly turned to stare at her, his eyes blazing with hatred.

“Now how is that any of your business? You don’t never ask me any questions you worthless piece of trash!” Larry shoved the plate of food off the table with such force it crashed against the other wall. “I can’t even come home after a long day and just relax! You don’t do nothin around here but you think you can question me?” Larry was inches from Camila’s face his breath reeked of stale cigarettes. “Don’t ever question me again you ugly good for nothing wench.” Camila cast down her eyes praying he would stop. “I’m taking a shower. You clean up this mess.” Larry stomped off down the hall and Camila finally caught her breath when she heard the shower running.

Quickly she cleaned up the mess and as Larry was finishing up she saw headlights as a black car pulled into their driveway. She peeked out the window to see a young blonde girl step out with cherry red lips and a crop top to match. She heard a sound behind her and turned to see Larry’s cold eyes boring into her.

“Pretty young thang ain’t she?” he sneered. “Much prettier than you.” He smirked at the hurt look on Camila’s face. “Don’t worry Camila, you will never be rid of me. You are my property. I will always have a place for you no matter how worthless you really are.” And with a slam of the door Larry walked out. Hot tears streaked down Camila’s face as she went to the kitchen window and watched Larry saunter up to the giggling blonde and dip her low for a long kiss. With a broad smile he sneaked a glance back at the window before jumping into the black car. Camila watched them speed off down the road.

Camila was furious. She ran into the bedroom and began packing the little belongings she had. When she was done the sky had turned pitch black and crickets were chirping. She went to the bathroom and splashed cool water on her face to hopefully reduce the puffiness in her eyes. She surveyed herself in the mirror wondering how she got here and how was she going to leave? Larry was all she knew.

Camila stood in the threshold of her home. She looked outside of the open door to where her freedom was, unknown. She looked back into the comfort of her home, a prison but the only thing she knew, it was a sure and safe. Camila sadly looked at her bag and thought about the long task of unpacking. She looked out into the driveway and stared at his most prized possession…his red corvette. Hot rage coursed through her veins as she thought about how he had loved on that car more than her.

Shoulders back, head up Camila walked into Larry’s bedroom. She flipped over the mattress where she found his secret stash of emergency cash. She walked back to the kitchen and opened one of the drawers to grab Larry’s stash of cigarettes and lighter. Her eyes lit up at what she found.

Camila smiled in the moonlight as she puffed a cigarette. She flicked the cigarette into the dry grass next to the house then skipped to the red corvette, keys jangling in her hands. She jumped into the car and sped off, watching Larry’s house go up in flames in the rearview mirror. She thought how ironic it was that Larry’s most hated possession now owned his most prized possession. She laughed gleefully into the night air at the thought.

Hope

Staring at the night sky
Black as ink
Stars dotted throughout
Blinking at me
I wish a wish
Upon each one
I close my eyes
Breathing them out
One by one
I hope they hear
I hope they see
This desire
That burns in me
Praying every night
Praying everyday
Hoping one prayer
Will go my way
Wanting more than I have
Wanting more than where I am
Never giving up
Never thinking I can’t stand
Can’t you see my desires?
Can’t you feel it burn?
It’s a fire in me
That boils and churns
Hope rises
Fear falls
I open my eyes
Yearning for what’s in store
They don’t believe I’m ready
They think I will fail
Writing is not a safe career they say
But they don’t know
I KNOW I’m ready
I’m ready
I’m ready